Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Dark Side of The Force: Changing

Although I did say that I'm going to have a new start and share a lot of things about me so that people get to know me better... it seems that I've been posting a whole lot about my obsession on J-pop XD  
Those who desire for "things that remained unchanged", are weak
Those who wish for "Changing things", are strong

These are bits of lyric from W-inds' Eien no Tochuu 「永遠の途中」。 I really like these two lines on changing. I think I could be categorized as a weak person since I don't really like changing.

But recently, there have been a lot of changing around me these past few years… 

  1. I somehow have graduated from uni with a bachelor degree on culinary (although I haven’t found any use of that paper… yet). 
  2. I got myself a step mother (which is a pretty big change for me and I still haven’t get through that… yet). 
  3. Somehow I get infected with virus (a disease called bellpalsy) and got half my face paralyzed for a month or so (and I still haven’t recovered 100% from that). I still can’t smile properly or pout properly.
  4. I returned to fanfiction.net, write some new stories and some of them are well accepted :D
  5. My brother is married (it’s weird).
  6. Takahashi, Mitsui and Niigaki graduated from Morning Musume and H!P (lol again with my fangirlism?)

Those are a few examples of changes around me for these past few years. Although I’m not very fond of changes, they happened. I get to (have to or forced to?) cope myself with them. 

I guess, these changes change me and everyone around me too. Although in my part, I’m not sure if I’m coping with them positively (ahaha) since I think of myself as a negative person (hence my frequent visit to the dark side of the force). To tell the truth, some of these changes are making me a bit lonely…  

Then (because I’m a returnee to the dark side of the force) I might be shutting myself out from people around me (while smiling prettily on some occasions) with trying to avoid making conversation and so on. Perhaps because I refuse to cope with the change. Or perhaps my heart couldn’t take on how lonely I am? Perhaps I refused to be miserable at all time that I decided to make myself meaner? Hmm… I think I’ll go with the first one.

But I think, my shutting myself out and trying to be meaner and a lot harsher on myself is making me miserable too. Am I trying to hurt myself? Which reminds me to this quote from XXX Holic’s.

You don’t understand that when you get hurt, those who care about you are also hurt when they see it – spider spirit, XXX Holic
So friends and family (whom I’m pretty sure wouldn't be reading this blog except when I told them to), I’m sorry if I have somehow hurt you with a sudden change of attitude. I’ll get used to the changes. I’ll move on (everyone did that). Although I’m not sure that I would stay the same (now I have the sudden urge to sing Joey McIntyre’s Stay The Same). 

But I think I must prepare myself for a few more changes in the future since:

My best friend got herself a job somewhere farther… Since I usually confide in her when I’m lonely and sad… well, I’m going to get lonely again. (We’re pretty close that we were accused as a lesbian by some jealous person).Thankfully, there’s telephone and all that!

I've been going through job applications, went through a few interviews, get accepted for a few positions, but still… I’ve been staying home (not that I’m complaining. Staying home was fun!) But, I think, I may have to start working next month! Although this wasn't definite news.

What about you? Anything life changing recently?

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